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Devil Doll: "Okay. Here we are again. Time for another round of Ask Logan."
Logan: "I don't think so."
Devil Doll: "What?"
Logan: *crosses arms over chest* "I said I don't think so. I don't need to do this anymore, now that I have it on good authority that I finally got my own ass page."
Devil Doll: "What are you talking about?"
Logan: "You know. That page with my bare butt on it. You finally gave in and made a page for my can, so I'm done with all this advice-givin' crap."
Devil Doll: "Um. . ."
Logan: "What?"
Devil Doll: "Well, that page isn't really about *your* ass."
Logan: "Now you're just talkin' silly, darlin'. It's called 'Wolverine's Naked Ass.' I am Wolverine. Case closed."
Devil Doll: "Yeah, but. . .did you look at the picture?"
Logan: "Huh? No. Why would I? I know what my ass looks like."
Devil Doll: "Well, see, it isn't your ass, exactly."
Logan: "Not mine? Like it's a butt-double or somethin'?"
Devil Doll: "No. It's--that page isn't really about you, actually. It's about WolverHugh."
Logan: "Wolver who?"
Devil Doll: "WolverHugh. You know, the movie version of you."
Logan: *gently* "Darlin', did you eat a whole bag of Butterfinger BBs again? Because you're soundin' a little loopy in the head."
Devil Doll: "I haven't done that in a long time! And I'm telling the truth! It's not you!"
Logan: *sighs* "It's about Wolverine's ass. There's only one Wolverine. . .well, okay--two, countin' that other guy who lives with Albertina, and. . .hey! You didn't make a page about *his* ass, did you? Because if that's the case--" *snikt!*
Devil Doll: "We can talk about this later. First question."
Dear Logan,
I know this is kinda personal, but here goes...
See, I got big breasts. I know you're saying, "So what's the problem?" but what I want to know is: how do I know a guy likes *me* and not my knockers?
Please help!
Signed,
(Really) Big Boobies
Logan: "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, Boobies, for a girl like you, there's only one sure way to know: if a guy likes you, it's because of your big hooters. I say go with it."
Devil Doll: "Aw, geez. . ."
Logan: "Wait! Unless you're rich. Then it's a combination of your boobs and your money."
Devil Doll: "I think we should move on."
Logan: "She include any pictures in that one?"
Devil Doll: "No. Next question."
Dear Logan,
I have this big buckle I love, but it's really hard to polish and keep clean. It seems like it's always getting sweat, drool, or snow on it. Do you have any cleaning advice?
Signed,
Damsel In Denmark
Logan: "That's a strange question. Why would someone ask me about that?"
Devil Doll: "Uh, no reason. You're right, that one is weird. We should just skip it."
Logan: "Wait a sec, here. What--"
Devil Doll: "Okay, moving on."
Dear Logan,
I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now, but I keep getting distracted by one of my friends who tells the funniest stories about her Sims. Anyway, I usually just let her distract me because she worships the belt buckle...but tonight I'm really supposed to be doing my homework! What should I do?
Signed,
Late Homework
Logan: "Another buckle question? What the hell's going on here?"
Devil Doll: "Going on? There's nothing going on. Why would you think there's something going on? That's silly." *laughs nervously*
Logan: "You're actin' kinda weird."
Devil Doll: "Of course I am! That's me. Weird. Weird all the time. Yep."
Logan: "What are you hiding?"
Devil Doll: "Next question!"
Dear Logan,
Since high school ended just last spring, and cheerleading is now over for me, I have nothing to do. MY IQ is still in the double digits, but I'm very beautiful, buxom, sensitive and loving, with flowing red hair. I live in a small town. Should I leave and move to New York City? Or... maybe one of it's suburbs? I do so need to meet a man.
Please help me!
Signed,
Pathetic & Pretty Princess
Logan: "Please tell me *this* one sent a picture."
Devil Doll: "Nope."
Logan: "Hmmm. Well, you know things have been kind of boring around here without a woman to fight over. What with you always so busy elsewhere and all--"
Devil Doll: "Don't even think about it."
Logan: "--and we do have a lot of extra space."
Devil Doll: "Logan. . ."
Logan: "Tell you what, Buxom Bombshell--"
Devil Doll: "It's 'Pretty Princess.'"
Logan: "--you get your bags packed, I'll gas up the truck--"
Devil Doll: "Logan, you better listen, because this is a very important moment for you."
Logan: "Huh? Why?"
Devil Doll: "Because this is where you get to choose between finishing that sentence and keeping your balls."
Logan: "That ain't much of a choice, darlin'."
Devil Doll: "That's right. Next question."
Dear Logan,
I often have to travel to London, leaving my car behind at home, which means I have to use public transport, which I hate. Mainly because of the whole "public" thing. I use the Tube on a regular basis. On my journey to work I tend to find myself surrounded by lots of men travelling to work. I feel my urges to hack their heads off with a blunt axe are wrong.
Please advise.
Signed,
Jules
Logan: "I have to say, I'm generally all for taking a piece out of someone if they're bugging you."
Devil Doll: "Color me floored."
Logan: "Jules, don't you have any damn Cajuns around your house? If I'm feelin' lazy, I generally get one to do all the work."
Devil Doll: "Aha! The truth comes out!"
Logan: "We done?"
Devil Doll: "For now."
Logan: "Now about that other thing. . ."
Devil Doll: *sighs* "Logan, I hate to tell you this, but there are many, many Wolverines."
Logan: "Really?"
Devil Doll: "Really."
Logan: "Then why can't you get one of the other ones to answer these questions?"
The End
Have a problem only Logan can solve? Send it to ask_logan@yahoo.com
Thanks to Angie, Lateo, Jenn, Yezra & Jules for the questions!
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