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Devil Doll: "Welcome to a special Obsession Edition of Ask Logan."
Logan: "I think you're obsessed with making me miserable."
Devil Doll: "What? I don't make you miserable! You adore me!"
Logan: "Yeah, but you're always making me answer these dumb questions."
Devil Doll: "You need to do something to earn your keep around here."
Logan: "I already told you what I can do to earn my ke--"
Devil Doll: "Logan!"
Logan: "What?!"
Devil Doll: "Ixnay on the. . .well, I can't figure out how the hell you say 'innuendo' in pig latin, but knock it off."
Logan: "It ain't innuendo, darlin', it's a fact."
Devil Doll: "Stop it, or I'll tell everyone you're a bad kisser."
Logan: "What?! I'm not--"
Devil Doll: "First letter!"
Dear Logan,
I always end up going ga-ga for some guy in almost any movie, video game or cartoon I watch. I have a huge list that goes on forever. (Don't worry Logan, you're in the Top 5.) I'm not sure it's really healthy, and my friends and family agree. What should I do?
Please help,
Obsessed
Logan: "I'm in the top five!?!?!"
Devil Doll: "I'm sure that's just a typo. I'm sure she meant "top three.'"
Logan: "Three!?!?!"
Devil Doll: *meekly* "Two?"
Logan: *makes disgusted sound*
Devil Doll: "Maybe she heard that you're a bad kisser."
Logan: "I'm not!"
Devil Doll: "Next letter!"
Logan: "I'm actually a very good kisser, you know."
Devil Doll: "Pay attention."
Dear Logan,
There is this guy i know online who claims he's this one jrocker (anotherlong story..)
and he's really hot n' all..
and i like him, but i dont know if he likes me...
See i dont know wether i like him or the person he claims he is ><
What ever shall i do?
I have a picture attached of me..
But i dont know if that helps...
*sigh* I just want to know if i like kozi or the other guy that plays him.
Signed,
Jill
Logan: "What's a 'jrocker'?"
Devil Doll: "I have no clue."
Logan: "Who the hell is 'kozi'?"
Devil Doll: "I don't know."
Logan: "Why do you think I'm a bad kisser?"
Devil Doll: "Next letter!"
Dear Logan,
Okay, see, I've got this problem. I've got two guys on the hook right now. Both of them are hot for me. And that's great. I mean, you can never have too much lovin', right? Anyway, the problem is that they both wanna be exclusive. A commitment and all that shit. So I have to choose between the two. One guy is really nice, upstanding, responsible, an incredible kisser...all around he's near perfect. Well, except for his fashion sense. That could use a lot of work. I mean jeez. Green plaid pants? Who wears those?
The other one is hot. Sizzling hot. Sexier than hell and ten kinds of trouble. Not bad on the eyes, great in bed. He's even a better dresser than the other one (he has this amazing belt buckle). So who do I choose?
Maveness
Logan: "There's that belt buckle thing again."
Devil Doll: *looks innocent*
Logan: "You know, that second guy, he sounds a little like me."
Devil Doll: "You are the most arrogant man EVER."
Logan: "No, no, I'm serious. It really does. That could be me."
Devil Doll: *re-reads letter* "You know, I think you're right. Especially since she went out of her way to mention that the other guy is a really good kisser, and didn't say that about you."
Logan: *glares* "She didn't say I was bad either."
Devil Doll: "I think she was just glossing over that. You know, being polite."
Logan: "I'm not a bad kisser! You know that."
Devil Doll: "Actually, I don't."
Logan: "Sure you do. You've kissed me lots of. . ." *thinks* "Huh. You're right. I've never put a lip-lock on you."
Devil Doll: "Nope."
Logan: "Then what the hell am I doing here?"
Devil Doll: "I like having you here."
Logan: "No, I mean why the hell do I stick around this place?"
Devil Doll: "Because you adore me."
Logan: "You know, you keep saying that, but I'm not sure--hey, wait a sec. . .if you don't know for sure that I'm a *good* kisser, how can you know I'm a *bad* kisser?"
Devil Doll: "Um. . ."
Logan: "Who told you that?"
Devil Doll: "Remy."
Logan: "What?!?!"
Devil Doll: "Next letter!"
Dear Logan,
I have this friend see, her name's Linda. I'm on her computer now. Um, she's got this problem. See, she's obsessed with you. I mean, she's already bought X-Men and she's gonna go get X-Men 1.5 and she's even flying to Australia to see X-Men 2. She's taking her Australian girlfriend, hoping that you'll be there. She's constantly writing fan fiction. Some of it, I thought was actually awesome, until she wrote one claiming Scott Summers was your brother.
She claims she has a Logan/Wolverine Muse at her place. She listens a lot to Patsy Cline's Crazy while she writes. She's forever telling me bout' the all hot, tall, dark, and growly one. She's been collecting posters, mp3's of what she claims is Wolverine singing. She acts like she wants to be an X-Man, just to fight along with Wolverine. She loves Marie to death, but she wouldn't mind a roll in the hay with him. I think it would crush her to give it up, but she's gotta get a life right?
Thanks for the help,
A Caring Friend.
Logan: "Now this is the kind of letter I like to get."
Devil Doll: "Don't worry, Caring Friend. I'll send Logan over to plant a wet one on her. That should cure her of her obsession."
Logan: "This isn't very funny."
Devil Doll: "Sweetie, it's okay. Everyone has things they aren't good at. I can't understand football, you can't kiss. It's no big deal."
Logan: "It is a big deal! If this gets out, I'm ruined! How can I be a badass lady-killer if I'm a lousy kisser?"
Devil Doll: "You'll just have to settle for being an advice-giving harem boy."
Logan: "That's so depressing."
Devil Doll: "Cheer up, buttercup. That was the last letter. We're all done."
Logan: "Hey, maybe what I need is some practice. You know, an hour or two a day, every day. Hone my technique. Whaddya think?"
Devil Doll: "That's a great idea!"
Logan: "It is?" *is totally shocked this lame ploy worked*
Devil Doll: "Yes! Let's go find Remy right now and ask him if he'll help you!" *runs off*
Logan: "[censored]."
The End
Have a problem only Logan can solve? Send it to ask_logan@yahoo.com
Thanks to Logan Luver, Maveness, Casey & Jill for the questions!
Unfortunately, due to increasing demands on his time (he *is* in almost every Marvel comic book, after all), Logan has had to retire from the advice-giving business, and will no longer be answering questions. He does thank everyone who read along, and everyone who wrote in to tell him their problems. Even the big-boobed girls who neglected to send pictures.
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